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शांति
02 January 2015 @ 07:17 am
I am the perfect combination of hope, expectations, desire and fear, cowardy and weakness.

I want it all, I must have it all. I see myself having it and enjoying it all. I am perfectly able at picturing myself in positions of perfect and complete happinness. Going after my goals. Making even my most insignificant dream come true.

But then I feel the fear. I get paralyzed. The image looking back to me when I look in the mirror is a joke, a small, skinny, ordinary, forgettable joke.

I feel my frailness.

I am only sure of one thing, that I'll become nothing. That I will one day be empty handed staring into my self-crafted abyss, lacking the courage to jump into it.

Let me be free, I won't. I can't let you.

I am my own worst enemy. I am the most perfect soldier for sabotaging myself.

It's like I hate me. It's like I loathe me.
 ****

I'll never say it first. I'll never show it first. I don't think I could handle rejection. I've never experienced it. I don't think I could handle it.

I don't understand why you love me . I know you'll get tired of me,

I'm nothing

I'm full of amazing thoughts that I can't exteriorise
I'm full of amazing projects that I can't make come true

I'm horribly limited

And you are

you are true

your flesh occupies the space it deserves
it claims it

When you pull me close I feel yours
Because I am yours

And I want to stay yours
Freeze us into eternity
Carve us into the starry vault
Keep me forever

Your flesh on mine
Your fluids

I crave them

Most of all
your eyes
your thoughts
what goes through them

where do they come from
and can i follow you

i saw you and i craved you
i hid inside myself

i let me awkwardness florish
in the hope you'd find me bland
and empty

and numb

like i am

i am not a happy person
i am numb

i knew that if you did find me numb
if you discovered my secret

that i'd die

i knew i'd die if you ever stopped looking at me with your eyes
i needed them

i wanted them to want me

i don't know why they did
and you distilled patience

and i absorbed it and i relished in it
you were patient

i don't know why

but i knew i would've died if you hadn't been

i just know it now

i ignored it then

i tried to convince you there were other girls
you'll meet other girls

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME
why do you want me so much

I offered you sex
"je comprends ce que tu veux dire mais je finir par tomber amoureux de toi"

no
why

please

i loathe the day when you will realize that i am not what you always thought i was
when my dark circles will repulse you
when my thinness will look sickly to you

when my smell will make you sick

i know i shall die when that day comes

when you start detatching yourself from me and my dullness
when you'll choose to stay out a bit later

so i can be fast asleep when you come back and have to force yourself to sleep in the same bed as me

you are golden warmth
deep thick love swims inside you

i'm afraid you have missplaced it

and i know that i have to give it back to you

i one day will have to

and i will surely die

as i watch you go

first words will fade

or is it touch?

i think the eyes will go first

i have to pay attention

i have to see it when it comes

maybe i will run the other way

maybe i will not let it begin

so i don't have to see it end

we need to have a talk when i come back

you'll be there

and i'll smash myself into your arms

your arms that i haven't felt in a month

i'll be in heaven

i'll start to melt again

like i used to

"j'ai l'impression que je vais fondre quand je suis dans tes bras"

all i want is to be in your arms
and to feel your lips and tongue
opening my mouth

all i want is your breath between my legs
and your hands on my ass

all i want is your eyes
your eyes for ever

all i want is your words
for me
forever

i want the truth you have been giving me
for the last months

i want you to crave me like you have been since you first saw me

forever

.

but you'll soon stop
you'll realize

you'll look back and smile
and you'll carry on

but i'll be still here
although i won't show it

will i?

I hope you won't break me enough that it shows
i hope i can still hide it

i hope i can still control myself

but i have  a feeling you'll leave me disabled

and that you'll go

cause you will go

i won't let you come in the first place

cause watching you go will destroy me

i'm so in love with you. goodbye.
 
 
शांति
13 October 2013 @ 11:50 pm
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott
 
 
शांति


Grove Park Inn
Asheville, N.C.
October 20, 1936

Dearest Scottina:

[…]

Don’t be a bit discouraged about your story not being tops. At the same time, I am not going to encourage you about it, because, after all, if you want to get into the big time, you have to have your own fences to jump and learn from experience. Nobody ever became a writer just by wanting to be one. If you have anything to say, anything you feel nobody has ever said before, you have got to feel it so desperately that you will find some way to say it that nobody has ever found before, so that the thing you have to say and the way of saying it blend as one matter—as indissolubly as if they were conceived together.

Let me preach again for one moment: I mean that what you have felt and thought will by itself invent a new style so that when people talk about style they are always a little astonished at the newness of it, because they think that is only style that they are talking about, when what they are talking about is the attempt to express a new idea with such force that it will have the originality of the thought. It is an awfully lonesome business, and as you know, I never wanted you to go into it, but if you are going into it at all I want you to go into it knowing the sort of things that took me years to learn.

[…]

Nothing any good isn’t hard, and you know you have never been brought up soft, or are you quitting on me suddenly? Darling, you know I love you, and I expect you to live up absolutely to what I laid out for you in the beginning.

Scott




via brain fucking pickings
 
 
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शांति
05 May 2013 @ 09:43 pm
It's the real story of real girls. Some people aren't born into luxurious beds, and pearl necklaces, or a closet full of shoes or afternoon tea parties or chauffeurs.

Some people aren't born into family sundays, or laundry machines, or a guaranteed education up to at least high school.

Some people aren't born into more than one pair of knickers, a warm bed at night, a shower.

Some people aren't born into breakfast, lunch and dinner.

This is a movie about these people, who we spend our whole days, months, years and life ignoring. This is a movie that puts them in our faces and makes us feel the disgust they've never felt when eating the food we would never eat, even if it meant starving.

This is a movie about the natural balance of nature and how we do not respect it, how our practices are too big to fit harmoniously into it, and about how we don't care. Because the consequences haven't quite reached us yet, they've only reached a portion of the world's population most of us do not really acknowledge to really be there, except when we see them on the news.

It is so beautiful. This girl is so accostumed to her life, she knows she belongs there. She fights to go back to it, back to her dad. She fights in her life and she gets whatever she can and she eats what she can get her hands on.

She's not disgusted by anything whereas I spent the whole movie grimacing at everything she ate and touched.

She goes around the mudd in her only pair of shoes and shorts and knickers, she picks up the living animals and listens to their heartbeat, trying to decipher the secret message.

She fights she lives she struggles and she knows this is her life because she lives in a world that will not acknowledge her, that will be comfortable with the fact that she exists as long as it is not forced to look directly at her, as long as it can only glance at her from time to time, and feel a heaviness in its heart that will be washed away as promptly as the tv channel is changed.

I fell in love with this movie when I saw (what I assumed to be) her mother. If I was right (and who is to tell I am not), this is the moment when we can see her future. And her mother tells her, she tells her: "They tell you that everything is going to be alright, that you'll be happy, that things will get easier" (or something along those lines)--- And then she shows her how most of the times it isn't true. How most of the times the girl does not transform into the princess whose life looks so shiny, easy. But how she instead has to spend her life struggling merely to get to see the next day.

She shows her that for some people, what you see right now is all you'll ever see, because, contrary to the narrative that we are force-fed day in and day out, mere determination, whishing and faith is not what will get you over any hard situation you were born into, it is opportunity, something most people are born without.

This is such a realistic, yet such a romantic movie.

I know this is horribly written, but I just wanted to write down what I thought before I forgot.
 
 
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शांति
25 April 2013 @ 10:49 pm
"Listen to your parents and teachers. They got a line on most things, so don't treat em like enemies. There's always an outside chance you can learn something. Try to keep an open mind. Try to understand the viewpoints of others. Consider the minority opinion. But try to get along with the majority of opinion once it's accepted. Of course Holly and I have had fun, even if it has been rushed. And uh, so far a good sign, hadn't got caught. Excuse the grammar."

"He needed me now more than ever, but something had come between us. I'd stopped even paying attention to him. Instead I sat in the car and read a map and spelled out entire sentences with my tongue on the roof of mouth where nobody could read them."
 
 
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शांति
08 April 2013 @ 11:19 pm
on ne peut rien contre une fille qui rêve.
 
 
शांति
01 February 2013 @ 12:19 am
I have always thought that Macaulay Culkin was so freaking cool.

So, freaking, cool. Such a cool dude. Just plain old cool.

Photos from refinery29


sorry haven't been here a while i forgot how annoying it is not to cut a large entry...Collapse )
 
 
शांति
21 October 2012 @ 09:02 pm
 
 
शांति
19 October 2012 @ 12:32 am

Phenomenal Woman

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say,
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman

Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

 
 
शांति
21 August 2012 @ 10:34 pm